gracegratitudeandgrit

Empathy is a game changer.

A good friend of mine (let’s call her Judith) gave me some awesomely simple relationship advice few years ago.  This advice was specific to my marriage, but can be applied to any relationship we have with another person; practice empathy.

em·pa·thy /ˈempəTHē/ noun the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

My alarm goes off pretty early in the morning. I do this on purpose so I can have some quiet time with my coffee before the rest of my people wake up for the day.  This time has proved to be a critical component of setting a good tone for how my day will pan out. I spend that time doing something that I love, or maybe more importantly, something I can’t accomplish when my 20 month old daughter is with me.  I use this time to feed my heart and soul with things that lift me up to be the wife, mother and friend that I am called to be.  It also fuels me with the grace needed to practice empathy.  I definitely do not achieve this perfectly everyday or even every other day, but I am aware of how beneficial this practice is to maintaining healthy, loving relationships built around wanting the best for one another.

Every weekday around 4pm my mood begins to change.  I get antsy and sometimes irritable.  I am usually mentally exhausted from spending the day with my energetic toddler.  I wait anxiously, counting down the minutes until hear the sound of the front door or garage being opened because that means my other half is home to provide some relief.  But let’s be real here, my husband is mentally spent from his day too.  We BOTH just want to check out for the day.  We BOTH can be on edge.  Most of the time we BOTH need a break and our first instinct is to take our frustrations out on the each other.  There is NO way their day was as trying as ours.  This is the exact time we need to invite the intentional practice of empathy into our approach.

For me, empathy removes the “pile on” effect.  You know, piling on all of the crappy things that happened throughout the day in our minds to build the ultimate piece of ammunition needed to justify our attitude to the person on the receiving end of our rant.  Empathy takes me out of myself to think of others.  It gives me the strength to try to be a example choosing to keep a positive attitude.  It reminds me to STOP COMPLAINING.

My friend Judith’s advice is some of the best I have ever received. Putting someone else’s needs before my own is the natural intuition of a woman, but being able to empathize with that person and their needs is a game changer. It allows for love to take over and work its magic. Empathy fosters a real and true desire to want the best for the one other.

“We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy.  Yet listening, of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces for change that I know.”  -Carl Rogers

 

 

Is it spring yet?

Winter can be difficult in the Northeastern part of the country. The days are short and the nights are long. Don’t get me wrong, winter is a necessary season and CAN be beautiful, it just seems to drag on forever. And if you live in Western Pennsylvania, you get the bonus of constant gray skies. Darkness takes over our once sun-filled days. Will spring ever come?

When my daughter was born it was supposed to be one of the most joy-filled times of my life. I knew adding our little baby into our routine was going to be a huge change and yield a lot of sleepless nights, but nevertheless, I would feel the happiest I would ever feel. Against all expectations, it turned out to be one of the darkest periods of my life. There was no lack of love for my beautiful girl, but there was an absence of joy. It was my winter and there was no end to this darkness in sight.

Now, let me introduce hope, faith and perseverance into my story. They were my Light. They came in different forms; the grace of prayer, friends who went through similar experience delivering words of encouragement, and signs of progress in my mental journey. About 3 weeks after my daughter was born a dear friend reached out asking how I was doing. I told her that I was struggling, and she shared that she didn’t start to feel back to herself until about 6 weeks after the birth of her daughter. I thought to myself, “I will not make it to 6 weeks feeling like this! That is 3 weeks from now!”. (spoiler alert) I survived the next three weeks, and the three weeks after that, and the three weeks after that and the three weeks after that…you get the point.

I made it through those first few months battling postpartum depression and anxiety by the unmerited grace of God and the love and support of my husband. Grace helped me maintain my faith. Grace got me out of bed each morning (and night with a hungry newborn). Grace armed me with perseverance. And grace never allowed me to lose hope.

Don’t forget to switch on the Light in times of darkness and open your hearts to the grace that pours from that Light. Surrender to faith. Winters are long, dark and cold, but cling to the hope that spring IS coming soon.

Is there a formula for obtaining peace?

For the majority of my adult life I have attempted to control ALL situations. I didn’t even realize that I had fallen into this pattern until some serious self-reflection and self-assessment. Some might say that trying to control the outcome of good and bad situations is actually a good thing. That having control over your own life is responsible. And I would agree, to a certain extent, that being responsible and accountable for your actions are qualities needed to survive. But trying to control everything in a world you don’t have control over is exhausting and will undoubtedly strip you of your freedom. Trying to control people who have the freedom to make their own decisions is just goofy. Eventually the frustration of failing to change something you don’t have control over will consume your joy. I make this statement with confidence because I have been a prisoner for years.

I have spent the last several years trying to break out of prison. Most of the time I am unsuccessful, until I surrender. I didn’t even know what that meant, let alone attempting to articulate it. Then I was given the grace to understand it. I had fallen to my knees. I was open and vulnerable. I had to surrender my heart. I had to give up my control. I had to let love conquer my fears. And I have to consciously choose to do these things EVERY SINGLE DAY. When my heart is hardened I fall apart in fear and anxiety.

My formula for surrendering, simply put, is:
+ be open to grace.
+ start and end each day with gratitude.
+ persevere through all things with grit.

“Something amazing happens when we surrender and just love. We melt into another world, a realm of power already within us. The world changes when we change. the world softens when we soften. The world loves us when we choose to love the world.”
― Marianne Williamson